I live a very emotionally sheltered life. I'm certainly don't think that I'm sheltered in any other way really. I get exposed to all kinds of other things in society, the news, or whatever. But as far as emotions go, I feel like I'm just kind of out of the loop. I lead a pretty good life--I have great friends, I do fun things, I eat good food, and I have a nice place to live. I'm happy the great majority of the time. Sometimes I get depressed or bored. Pretty normal stuff really.

But... I don't seem to experience the great extremes of emotion all that often. Nearly any strong emotion I feel I create for myself. Intense happiness or joy is usually the result of me purposely cultivating happiness and approaching things in such a way that I become joyful. It rarely just happens. Likewise, any great despair I feel is usually self-induced.

I may regret saying this later, but I long for drama in my life. Emotions, whether positive or negative, are some of the most amazing experiences that I ever have. I seem to love to be a bubbling cauldron of effervescence or to be down and depressed to the point that only a good night's sleep will shake me out of it. These feelings never seem to be induced by external forces though. Even when they are, the things that are influencing my feelings are usually things that were set up by me (sometimes conciously, sometimes not) for that purpose.

My relationships don't often create these feelings in me. Aside from the occasional annoyance I get along quite well with my friends. I'm always happy to be around them, but very rarely does being with them make me feel 'wonderful.' I think that a great part of this is that I have a very close and small circle of friends with whom I routinely interact. At this point it's all just that--routine. A great routine, but a routine nonetheless. My less than stellar luck at meeting the lady-folk doesn't help this either. It seems to me that a relationship of that nature would definately entail both ends of the emotional spectrum to a much greater degree than the relationships I have with my friends.

I'm not really sure where I'm going with this. I've just been thinking about it recently. When watching shows (tv or anime or movies) I seem to almost get jealous of the characters as they go though the emotional extremes and get put in such dramatic situations. I want to experience what they're going through, both good and bad. It's actually a little unsettling when you realize while watching a show that you're thinking to yourself, "man, I wish I could get my heart broken." Yeah, I'm probably quite odd.

There are a great many things that I want to change about the way I live my life in the next year or two. This problem will probably become less of a problem if I'm successful. I definitely think that it is more of a symptom then a cause.

Maybe everyone lives a fairly "blah" life most of the time. Perhaps my consumption of media has left me with unrealistic expecations regarding what "real" life is like. Perhaps I'm just messed up in the head and like to get high off of emotions since I don't get drunk or high like all the other cool kids. Or perhaps I'm actually messed up in the head. The possibilities are limitless!

Anyway, just felt like writing something. Bye.