Digg Quote of the Day:

In response to a story about a Halo 3 champ getting put on Dr. Pepper cans:

"Excellent, because when I think professional gaming, I think of console FPS games with auto aim." - Xerus

That made me laugh.

You've been warned.

Reasonableness fail.

Paper Writing

It's for the weak and morally decrepit.

The arrival of this weekend will be a massive relief, and hopefully a massive success. Then the simple matter of a final on Wednesday and I'm done for the semester. I miss just taking final exams... these term papers are killer.

It's funny how now that I'm under even more pressure than before, my attitude is so much more positive and happy-go-lucky. That's just how I operate I suppose. I was talking to Marius and Michael the other day about Marius's CS group project. His group members have consistently done absolutely nothing all semester despite the many deadlines the group agreed upon. Now that everything is coming to a close they're all suddenly working and sending Marius project components to compile. I think most people get more and more concerned about failing the more likely it is to happen. My friends and I, we care less and less about the prospect of failure the more likely it is. That doesn't mean we want to fail, just that it doesn't bother us as much when it's staring us in the face. This probably only applies to academic pursuits though, I don't think this paradigm works as well in other aspects of our lives.


Sometimes I get the urge to post song lyrics in my blog. Then I remember that I don't do *that*, and that I'm better than *that*. lawl.

That was a bit of a non sequitur I suppose. It comes out of one of the classes I'm writing for. My paper is a cultural criticism of Year Zero by NIN. I've been seriously delving into the album over the past few days, which I hadn't done in a long time. It's amazingly good stuff.


Also, my plan to become a senator from the fine state of Illinois has run into a slight obstacle. Too bad. Yeah Blagojevich, you're doing it wrong, and no, sir, this isn't a joke.


Ok, enough procrastinating.

I Guess..

...what I'm saying is that I feel like I'm constantly running to catch up in life but I can never actually seem to close the gap.

On a different note, this is amusing:

A Fuck-Up

I'm starting to think that I am one. I don't normally think of myself in those terms, and at any given moment I'm much more likely to have a positive opinion of myself and what I'm doing, even if everything is not as "together" as I'd like it to be.

I think the truth is, however, that I am generally a fuck-up. Sure the degree will vary, but the status remains constant. When I think back on my "mature" life (which I place starting at the beginning of high school) I can't remember a single time when I wasn't screwing something up. Nearly always this was caused by neglect, apathy, and a lack of motivation.

I'm still doing the same things that I've always done--just ignoring things that I should be doing and then paying the consequences. I rationalize it so well to myself that it's scary. I often don't even realized that I've convinced myself of the validity of my current actions (or lack of actions) until it's really too late. So I salvage what I can and move forward to the next chunk of my life until the cycle begins anew.

I look back on the few times I've been employed as some of the only times this hasn't happened. Even if the job was very basic I seemed to be able to push all of the other things in my life aside, show up on time, and do a good job. The other aspects of my life, however, don't seem to ever work that way for me. I have good friendships which I never neglect, but I think I often damage them by screwing up other things. If I don't actually damage them, I probably at least strain them.

So once more I'm struggling to keep up with the situations of my own design. School work, school planning, money management, job seeking, long overdue favors to perform, the exercise I keep trying to start, the writing I can never get around to, the learning I fail to follow through on... It all just piles up.

At these times all I want to do is be with Eryn, be with friends, play a game, go to sleep, read, anything to take my mind off of it all--anything to go back to enjoying my life. But that's the opposite of what I should be doing, and, despite myself, I know that... and it makes me feel terrible.

I thought that I would have changed by now... or that perhaps by this age I might be able to manage it better... but I haven't, and it would seem that I can't.

I want to care about all aspects of life, not just my relationships with people, but I almost never can, no matter how hard I try. Even when I try to do things for the people in my life I find it extremely difficult.

I find my level of inertness mind boggling.