i should be 16 or 17...

yeah...


anyway...

i don't think any of my friends (including myself) are where they should be right now. we're all displaced and disaffected one way or another. some of us want to be somewhere else, somewhere far away from here. others want to do something else, to not just go though the motions of living because we can't see any other alternative. some simply want things they don't have and don't feel they can possibly get. some, like me, aren't even sure we know what we want at all.

our little group is like a microcosm of all the bright, young kids of our generation. everyone, it seems, feels so hollow and empty and unsatisfied with the way things are. shoot, i'd be willing to bet that even the jocks and bitches and other drunken-partying-druggie-shallow-vain people feel the tug of this inexplicable void from time to time.

maybe all generations go through this sort of thing when the transition between child and adult occurs, but it seems that the modern world and today's society are catalysts for my generation's plight. there is so much information, so much determination, and so much indoctrination that it dosen't seem that anyone, or anything really matters in the grand scheme of things... i sit in my room angsting (yes, a word) and the world dosen't give a shit. the world never gave a shit, but in the past you would hurt you villiage or town or farmstead by being so empty. now your disaffection is nothing more than a microscopic negative to the GNP.

none of us have figured out how to deal with this. some just go with the flow, do their work and try not to think about it. some, like yours truly, do everything they can to distract themselves from this unquenchable thirst for meaning. some set goals and jump out into change to see if it's the change they've been looking for this whole time. we're all just blindly hoping that we'll find it, or perhaps that it will find us, and that we'll be smart enough, or maybe even dumb enough, to see it when it does.

we are a generation of dreamers who can't find the dream--and it's tearing us down, inside and out.

so i'm 20...

yeah...

being sick is the suck... but i do seem to be doing better after a good 15 hours of sleep. still coughing, but at least i can operate as a semi-funcitonal human being.

they should cure that shit already. all of it. no excuses.

my parents got me a spiffy new camera phone for my birthday. because of this i will hopefully be able to update my photoblog from time to time with images of my life with greater ease than i used to be able to. in fact, i updated it just now. seriously, check it.

i'm totally eva-geeking out at the moment hardcore, as i tend to do from time to time.

please pardon all ridiculous references, terrible angst, and refusal to exist in this reality that may follow.

thank you.


on that note, if you read my blog but haven't seen it, you really, really should. if you want to just let me know and i will be much more than happy to let you borrow my dvds or to watch it with you (which may be a good idea :) ) seriously though, it's incredible.




also: w t f ! !

so i started playing F.E.A.R. again after a long break (which was filled with other games like city of heroes and such). i had been playing for quite a while this morning and decided to take a break because i was thoroughly creeped out. i decided to check on my status in the game using gamefaqs, to see how far i was... turns out i'm only just under halfway... god, it's like the most enjoyable game i don't want to play. heh. "horror" games tend to get to me a lot more than horror movies. it's not like the suprises and general creepiness throw my skills off, i haven't died once-- hell, i hardly ever take damage (thank you bullet-time)... i dunno something about that little girl alma just freaks me out.

if you're a gamer and you haven't played the game you should. it's pretty damn awesome. some of the best fps gunplay i've ever experienced.

not too much else is going on at the moment. i'm finished with my job and waiting for school to start on monday.

hopefully we can organize a lan party soon. it needs to happen. another thing that should happen is a civ IV lan party. i'll try to work on that, if your interested let me know.